I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
