i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip
whats a bus flip?
idk but apparently i invented it
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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