I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Randomize
