And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize