my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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