could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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