im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
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