You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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