Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
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