you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize