I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
The seats are awesome but you see two of each player.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
