Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
