so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
