i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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