I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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