DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Randomize
