life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
