You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
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