you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
