the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
