mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
