I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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