Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize