Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
