ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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