as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
