He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
