shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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