I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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