My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
