opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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