meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Randomize
