I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
