I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize