When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
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