When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
apparently it's okay for him to stick his dick in my mouth but not to let me have a can of diet pepsi for the road.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize