If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Randomize
