I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
Randomize
