A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
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