I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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