You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Day drinking is so dangerous way too many construction workers out there to flirt with
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
