why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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