Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
