i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize