dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
Member that time when we got super drunk and had fun and fell in love
I remember it like it was tomorrow.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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