I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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