I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
