I accidentally had phone sex last night
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
Randomize
