Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
it's graduation. he's gonna get congratulations slash emotional i cant believe youre leaving me sex.�
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
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