just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
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