I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
You can't just leave with hair like that
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
