My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
