if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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