come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize