I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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