I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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