peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
thank you for being so understanding of my weak stomach and poor self-control
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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