I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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