one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
