At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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