You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
