then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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