I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
It was extremely weird and uncomfortable mid blow job she looks up and says " tell me Simon Cowell makes your dick hard"
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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